Preparation

So, someone, who is very important to me, said that I should start my blog now before I leave. Well, miss friend here you go!
First, I would like for you to know that the blog before this one is one that I wrote in August, the beginning of the semester, and against my better judgment I left a large chunk of it on this page for all who are interested.

Let me repeat, this is probably AGAINST my better judgment! But there is something important in this blog that I would like for all reading to see. That these blogs will be completely based on how I am feeling and who I am. I don’t want to fluff up my blog, then it would just be dull and no one would want to read it. I just want this to be a page where I can be raw and real with all who end up reading it.

As you may know I am going to México with in… one month. I have much to do and a lot of lose ends to tie up. But I know in my heart that I am ready to go. I know this because of the refinement I feel God has done in my heart over this past semester. Wow, so many of the things I said in the first blog are not in the same place I am now. I am very encouraged in Spanish, I know longer fear it! I am very thankful for the friends that have sharpened me over the semester. God truly spoke through them in my different areas of my life. And the best thing is that I am no longer in that same place with God. I am beginning to understand that I have to depend on his GRACE. That if I do not lean on him or take part in the work he has laid out for my life then all this work is in vain. God is so good! He knows the perfect timing for all things, he knows when we need rest, when we need encouragement, when we need to be alone or with fellowship, and he knows the deepest desires of our hearts. And with that being said, I know I will take this deeper understanding of such a mysterious God to México with me! I may not understand at first and the beginning will be a little rocky but he has the ultimate plan and I don’t want the time to be in vain. So, I will hold tight to him so that I can accomplish his leading in my life.

Thank you for your time and interest in reading my short little blogs. I hope that this will be a way to stay in touch… (maybe you all could write some blogs!) I am thankful for you all!

good luck reading all my blogs… remember they are going to be as raw and authentic as I feel lead. So, there you all go… my disclaimer.

Back Off-- My Bar

A cup placed on the counter, waits to be formed into a hot and steamy drink. Steam the milk. Add a pump of sugar delight. Pull the shots. Pour the drink. Top it with the lid. Call it out.



A simple process I have come to love. I am able to give something I create to someone. Maybe it will brighten their day, or even give them an extra boost. Whatever the need may be for drink, I am able to meet it.



This is something that I find so great about working at a coffee shop, the interaction with people. The creation of drinks. The fact that I am able to give something back to someone.

However, through this I am aware that there are different styles of working the hot bar. i have my own style and someone else has theirs too. And when someone comes into handle my bar, it just gets under my skin. I don't mind their assistance, honestly. But when it comes down to them assisting with my mess, the end of the drink I just made, and my milk/foam it just gets under my skin. The reason for that? I don't know.



Somehow I feel like it relates to my Spanish. Hmm... For example, if you begin to look at the drink as if it was my dream there are some similarities. Someone who comes over to the bar and tries to help me finish the drink or "dream" I have started, and then tells me it is not right and their ways is better. NO, HELL, NO! I know that my drink is good, just the same as I know my dream is from God and is good. I know that I am making it right, like I know that I am going about learning spanish the right way. I don't need you to tell me what I am like as a barista. And I don't need you to tell me what I am like as a Spanish speaker. No, because I know that I am a dam good barista and a dam good Spanish speaker. So what if it takes a little longer for my drinks to come out and the same with the time it takes to learn the language. And why do you care if the process is a little messy for both, becuase the end product is and will be exactly what it needs to be. A tastefull delight!



I know who I am.

I know what I am good at.

I know what I am weak at.

But more importantly, I know that I am who God has called me to be and doing what he has called me to do.





So... Back off, my bar.

into the abliss

I decided to start this blog for no one but myself. I don't want anyone to really know about. I just wanted a place where I can just speak my mind and thoughts, talk about my day, my life and my struggles. It is just a place where I can write and not worry about impressing anyone with my writing.

just writing.

in my own style.

expressing my own beliefs.

On my mind right now many thing ranging from school to work, to friends and to God.

• For school, I am a struggling Spanish major with a secondary education emphasis. Foreign languages take a toll on you. Learning a new language at the college level really takes it out of you. For example, my self esteem hits rock bottom because half the time in my classesm I feel like I am in second grade. I struggled in elementary schoolwith dislexia. In that time of my life I was so fearful of just reading infront of the class and now many of these struggles haunt me in my language classes. Now, instead of the fear I had only in elementary school , I now have the same type of fear every Monday Wednesday and Friday. The thought of writing a five paragraph essay scares the hell out of me, and takes me over two days to write. My vocabulary is that of a six year old, and with that low vocabulary how in the world will I be able to write college level essay?

The other day in conversation, one of my classmates treated me as if I had no brain capacity, just because I could not express my ideas in spanish. Thus making me and anyone in that situation would feel incompetent. Do I have what it takes to finish out my goal? Do I have what it takes to live in mexico? Let alone partake in the high competition with native spanish speaking students?

• Friends= high demanding, time consuming people.

I don't think this is good to have a mentality like this about friends. Especially in college where they are the ones who are there for you. They take care of you when professors make you cry. Talk to you. Watch silly tv shows with you. Go to coffee with you. Study with you. Eat with you.

• And for God, I am a strong believer that God truly exist but as of right know in my life, I just need his grace to do his will. There are moments in my day when I know he is standing right by me, protecting me, helping me, loving me. But overall, I don't feel him resignating in my heart. I don't feel that drastic change in my heart. I don't have the die hard faith I have had before. I don't really know why that is or where it came from and when it started... but it did.

Maybe I am the stupid girl who can't read.

Maybe I do struggle with school.

Maybe I don't want to hang out.

Maybe I don't trust God.

BUT REALLY... How do all these things matter in the long run. Maybe I just need to except it and not continue the hope that all these things will change. Maybe I will not just be swept away from all the things that I am not good at. These things don't matter because I have already been freed because of christ. Maybe this things are just exactly who I am and who I need to be. But excepting it? Now that is another question. All I want in my heart is to know that this is all worth something and there is joy through it all.

My mind just went to Job, and how he never complained. He just praised God in all his struggles

But honestly what if I don't want to...

what if I am always trying to find the brighter side of things. But never seeing the true greatness and joy of my struggles.

Those get what they sow, well I take no pride in what I sow.

And now all I feel is as if I have sowed myself into selfish, false christian, lazy, stupid girl who cares for nothing but her on comfort.

WHERE IS THE BALANCE?