Back Off-- My Bar

A cup placed on the counter, waits to be formed into a hot and steamy drink. Steam the milk. Add a pump of sugar delight. Pull the shots. Pour the drink. Top it with the lid. Call it out.



A simple process I have come to love. I am able to give something I create to someone. Maybe it will brighten their day, or even give them an extra boost. Whatever the need may be for drink, I am able to meet it.



This is something that I find so great about working at a coffee shop, the interaction with people. The creation of drinks. The fact that I am able to give something back to someone.

However, through this I am aware that there are different styles of working the hot bar. i have my own style and someone else has theirs too. And when someone comes into handle my bar, it just gets under my skin. I don't mind their assistance, honestly. But when it comes down to them assisting with my mess, the end of the drink I just made, and my milk/foam it just gets under my skin. The reason for that? I don't know.



Somehow I feel like it relates to my Spanish. Hmm... For example, if you begin to look at the drink as if it was my dream there are some similarities. Someone who comes over to the bar and tries to help me finish the drink or "dream" I have started, and then tells me it is not right and their ways is better. NO, HELL, NO! I know that my drink is good, just the same as I know my dream is from God and is good. I know that I am making it right, like I know that I am going about learning spanish the right way. I don't need you to tell me what I am like as a barista. And I don't need you to tell me what I am like as a Spanish speaker. No, because I know that I am a dam good barista and a dam good Spanish speaker. So what if it takes a little longer for my drinks to come out and the same with the time it takes to learn the language. And why do you care if the process is a little messy for both, becuase the end product is and will be exactly what it needs to be. A tastefull delight!



I know who I am.

I know what I am good at.

I know what I am weak at.

But more importantly, I know that I am who God has called me to be and doing what he has called me to do.





So... Back off, my bar.

into the abliss

I decided to start this blog for no one but myself. I don't want anyone to really know about. I just wanted a place where I can just speak my mind and thoughts, talk about my day, my life and my struggles. It is just a place where I can write and not worry about impressing anyone with my writing.

just writing.

in my own style.

expressing my own beliefs.

On my mind right now many thing ranging from school to work, to friends and to God.

• For school, I am a struggling Spanish major with a secondary education emphasis. Foreign languages take a toll on you. Learning a new language at the college level really takes it out of you. For example, my self esteem hits rock bottom because half the time in my classesm I feel like I am in second grade. I struggled in elementary schoolwith dislexia. In that time of my life I was so fearful of just reading infront of the class and now many of these struggles haunt me in my language classes. Now, instead of the fear I had only in elementary school , I now have the same type of fear every Monday Wednesday and Friday. The thought of writing a five paragraph essay scares the hell out of me, and takes me over two days to write. My vocabulary is that of a six year old, and with that low vocabulary how in the world will I be able to write college level essay?

The other day in conversation, one of my classmates treated me as if I had no brain capacity, just because I could not express my ideas in spanish. Thus making me and anyone in that situation would feel incompetent. Do I have what it takes to finish out my goal? Do I have what it takes to live in mexico? Let alone partake in the high competition with native spanish speaking students?

• Friends= high demanding, time consuming people.

I don't think this is good to have a mentality like this about friends. Especially in college where they are the ones who are there for you. They take care of you when professors make you cry. Talk to you. Watch silly tv shows with you. Go to coffee with you. Study with you. Eat with you.

• And for God, I am a strong believer that God truly exist but as of right know in my life, I just need his grace to do his will. There are moments in my day when I know he is standing right by me, protecting me, helping me, loving me. But overall, I don't feel him resignating in my heart. I don't feel that drastic change in my heart. I don't have the die hard faith I have had before. I don't really know why that is or where it came from and when it started... but it did.

Maybe I am the stupid girl who can't read.

Maybe I do struggle with school.

Maybe I don't want to hang out.

Maybe I don't trust God.

BUT REALLY... How do all these things matter in the long run. Maybe I just need to except it and not continue the hope that all these things will change. Maybe I will not just be swept away from all the things that I am not good at. These things don't matter because I have already been freed because of christ. Maybe this things are just exactly who I am and who I need to be. But excepting it? Now that is another question. All I want in my heart is to know that this is all worth something and there is joy through it all.

My mind just went to Job, and how he never complained. He just praised God in all his struggles

But honestly what if I don't want to...

what if I am always trying to find the brighter side of things. But never seeing the true greatness and joy of my struggles.

Those get what they sow, well I take no pride in what I sow.

And now all I feel is as if I have sowed myself into selfish, false christian, lazy, stupid girl who cares for nothing but her on comfort.

WHERE IS THE BALANCE?