into the abliss

I decided to start this blog for no one but myself. I don't want anyone to really know about. I just wanted a place where I can just speak my mind and thoughts, talk about my day, my life and my struggles. It is just a place where I can write and not worry about impressing anyone with my writing.

just writing.

in my own style.

expressing my own beliefs.

On my mind right now many thing ranging from school to work, to friends and to God.

• For school, I am a struggling Spanish major with a secondary education emphasis. Foreign languages take a toll on you. Learning a new language at the college level really takes it out of you. For example, my self esteem hits rock bottom because half the time in my classesm I feel like I am in second grade. I struggled in elementary schoolwith dislexia. In that time of my life I was so fearful of just reading infront of the class and now many of these struggles haunt me in my language classes. Now, instead of the fear I had only in elementary school , I now have the same type of fear every Monday Wednesday and Friday. The thought of writing a five paragraph essay scares the hell out of me, and takes me over two days to write. My vocabulary is that of a six year old, and with that low vocabulary how in the world will I be able to write college level essay?

The other day in conversation, one of my classmates treated me as if I had no brain capacity, just because I could not express my ideas in spanish. Thus making me and anyone in that situation would feel incompetent. Do I have what it takes to finish out my goal? Do I have what it takes to live in mexico? Let alone partake in the high competition with native spanish speaking students?

• Friends= high demanding, time consuming people.

I don't think this is good to have a mentality like this about friends. Especially in college where they are the ones who are there for you. They take care of you when professors make you cry. Talk to you. Watch silly tv shows with you. Go to coffee with you. Study with you. Eat with you.

• And for God, I am a strong believer that God truly exist but as of right know in my life, I just need his grace to do his will. There are moments in my day when I know he is standing right by me, protecting me, helping me, loving me. But overall, I don't feel him resignating in my heart. I don't feel that drastic change in my heart. I don't have the die hard faith I have had before. I don't really know why that is or where it came from and when it started... but it did.

Maybe I am the stupid girl who can't read.

Maybe I do struggle with school.

Maybe I don't want to hang out.

Maybe I don't trust God.

BUT REALLY... How do all these things matter in the long run. Maybe I just need to except it and not continue the hope that all these things will change. Maybe I will not just be swept away from all the things that I am not good at. These things don't matter because I have already been freed because of christ. Maybe this things are just exactly who I am and who I need to be. But excepting it? Now that is another question. All I want in my heart is to know that this is all worth something and there is joy through it all.

My mind just went to Job, and how he never complained. He just praised God in all his struggles

But honestly what if I don't want to...

what if I am always trying to find the brighter side of things. But never seeing the true greatness and joy of my struggles.

Those get what they sow, well I take no pride in what I sow.

And now all I feel is as if I have sowed myself into selfish, false christian, lazy, stupid girl who cares for nothing but her on comfort.

WHERE IS THE BALANCE?